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Scenes from behind the white walls...

February 26th, 2007

Restart @ 07:08 am

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: content content
Tags: ,

A year is a very long time, sometimes. This one feels like it didn't really exist. Or, more like I can't remember who I -was- a year ago. Like this year is -all- that ever existed. Someone asked me what anti-depressants I was taking now...and I just grinned and patted Sam on the head. He's all I need.

I'm still fighting with the fear, and the emotional weight of it...but I honestly can't see my life without him. I don't mean that I'll be broken if he leaves, I just...can't see it happening. Before, with other "relationships", I've -always- know what would happen if they ended. Or presumed, anyway. Down to the last horrible detail...

With him, it's as if those possibilities have fallen away, sometimes one by one, sometimes in huge sheafs...and all that's left is me...and him...and life.

When we first met in person, when I first realized he might be serious about wanting to be with me, I was afraid because we didn't fight. I "knew" that he was storing things up, like my family tends to, and that it would hurt that much more when they all came out. That was a year ago. Not only has -he- not even mentioned this horrible "stockpile" of things I've done wrong over the year...-I- don't even remember what they might've -been-...

I was worried that I might break him...I'm a bit overwhelming to deal with, in so many ways, and he's so...easy-going. But easy isn't weak. He's comfortable with himself, strong in what he is and what he wants to be...and -he- supports -me- when I panic and start to drown in my overwhelming emotions.

He makes me want to be the person who deserves him...and he makes me believe that he sees me as that person already. I am happier right now, despite some spasms of fear (phantom-limb pain from a discarded self), than I can ever remember being. And I remember a lot.

June 22nd, 2006

Moving day, final plans... @ 01:33 pm

Current Mood: drained drained
Current Music: Helen Reddy

Sorry, I don't mean to use this as a message board, but I've been so busy recently, what with the event this past weekend and finishing up the packing before Saturday. Speaking of which, I think we've established that anytime after noon would be fine for people to come over. I will have soda/juice for -during- the moving process, and beer for after...question is, do we want to do pizza before, after, or during? I don't know which would be better...let me know if anyone has any ideas. Also, if you're going to be able to come, and if so, when-ish...*hugs* Hope to see everyone then...now back to packing.

How did I manage to accumulate all this mess, and -why- do I want to keep it again? *sighs*

June 16th, 2006

Moving day, final date @ 11:40 am

Current Mood: optimistic optimistic

I think from comments I've gotten on and off the computer, that I will go with Saturday the 24th as the Day of Moving. As well as the day of pizza and beer/alcohol. Anyone have any specific requests as to the -type- of liquid refreshments? Let me know. Other than that, all I need are arms and legs attached to willing bodies and a few cars...all of which we have in happy supply. Have I mentioned lately that I -love- you guys?

Looking forward to tonights Drunken Pirate Party, as well as Saturdays Event...hope it goes as well as planned, and hope to see everyone (who can) there!

Oh, and as for times...let me know -when- your arms/legs/cars are available on that date, so I can sort of plan the timing and all...

Thanks again!

June 13th, 2006

Moving, part 2 @ 04:47 am

Current Mood: anxious anxious
Current Music: "Closing Time" (but I can't remember who did it...bad me. ;(

Well, I think I've isolated a week for the whole moving party...can people let me know if the weekend -after- Midsummers is good for them, and if not, when, within a week of that Saturday, the 24th, would be better? Because I -have- to be out of here before the 30th...or pay $600 something for another month here, which I -can't- possibly do, even if I wanted to...

Remember, Pizza, Beer, and sundry Alcohols are in store for those what love me...or just those what wanna help me get 3 years worth of girl-shit out of my teeny tiny apt and over to Sams. *g*

I spent some time over there this weekend, btw...it's -gorgeous- and once his mom and sis move out (please -god- within a month or so) we're talking about doing a Housewarming type of thing...*s* There's a -huge- balcony, and a cute little corner fireplace (gas, but it's cute) and a -big- living room...at least, for me it's huge...big as my living room and kitchen combined...*g*

Plus, on a happy note, it's literally walking distance to Tarot by Tracy, as it's just 2 blocks behind that 7-11 on State street that's 2 blocks from there...*g* And I mean walking distance for -me- even...so, if anything is happening on the weekends there still, I can go...and if it's not, then I can try to start something. *claps* Either way, it's cool.

More later, as replies trickle in...*hugs*

Neglecting my mind for my life @ 04:31 am

Current Mood: silly silly
Current Music: Hmmm...-that- could help, yes. *g*

I wonder, if I'm really doing what it -feels- like I'm doing. If I'm -really- too "busy" to sit down and write in here. Or, is it an ego-thing, like everything else in my life? Do I feel like I can't compete with everyone elses' life/words/minds, and fear throwing so much of my -self- out there into the void? Course, the fact that it's 4 in the morning on a Tuesday might have -something- to do with the tone, here...*g* Oh, and also the incoherency...if that's even a word. If not, I'm adopting it. *nods*

So anyway, I thought about it and I realized that I've just been giving people stuff I'm not scared of them seeing...namely, my stories, cause I really don't mind if people think they're bad. Hell, -I- think they're bad...that's why I'm working on them. *nods* But that's not really what I wanted to do with throwing some of my more creative efforts into the void...I wanted to take the step of exposing the stuff of my mind to the universe, so I get used to it, so -maybe-, someday, I can even think about trying to submit something somewhere...even if it's just a Cam'zine or website...*s*

So on that note...here's a poem I kinda like...hope you do too. *hugs*


In the pounding thrumming darkness, in the flashing flickering light,
As the faces crowd around her, and the music fills the night,
Glint of piercings in the strobe-light, clouds of glitter in the air,
Little Velveteen goes dancing, shoulders covered, stomach bare.

She's my little Velveteen, trying hard to be obscene,
I know you know what I mean, pretty little Velveteen.

And she'll flirt with all the boys there, and she'll neck with all the girls,
And she'll laugh out on the dance floor, as the music swoops and swirls,
And she'll hang out on the couches, in a pile of arms and legs,
And she'll nurse her one espresso to its drips and drabs and dregs.

She's my little Velveteen, trying hard to be obscene,
I know you know what I mean, pretty little Velveteen.

And when the music's gone away, and all the lights go on,
When all the faces look half-dead, and the glitter is all gone,
And slim, dark bodies scatter to the waiting arms of night,
She will dance her way back homeward, where I wait to hold her tight.

She's my little Velveteen, trying hard to be obscene,
I know you know what I mean, pretty little Velveteen.

She's my little Velveteen, trying hard to be obscene,
I know you know what I mean, pretty little Velveteen.

May 29th, 2006

Why not? @ 06:03 am

Current Mood: amused amused

Late to the party once again...but here goes. *g*
Not even gonna -list- the list of who stole it from whom...

1. Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band:
7. Fun or Loving:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

1. Do we know each other outside of livejournal?

2. What song reminds you of me?

3. Would you have my back in a fight?

4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?

5. What is your favorite memory of us?

6. Have we ever been drunk/stoned together?

7. Would you give me a kidney?

8. Tell me one odd/intresting fact about you:

9. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?

10. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't before?

11. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?

12. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?

13. Do you think I'm a good person?

14. Would you drive across country with me?

15. Do you think I'm attractive?

16. Are there ever times when you want to call me but don't?

17. If you could change anything about me, would you? what would it be?

18. What is the best advice you can give me?

19.Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?

20. Would u kiss me if u had the opportunity ?

21. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

May 26th, 2006

On silence @ 02:17 pm

Current Mood: determined determined
Current Music: Leaf rustle and wind moan

Ok...I -will- remember that it is a -good- thing no one's said anything about my last entry. It means they either haven't had any experience with the like (for which thank everything and may it continue to be so) or just don't know what to say, or both. Either way, I -will- hammer it into my head that I write in here for -me-, not for comment, and that silence does -not- mean neglect. There. All better.

May 24th, 2006

June 2nd, 2005... @ 07:36 pm

Current Mood: sad sad
Current Music: "Devil Went Down to Georgia" Primus version

So...the hard part of this one I'm tucking behind a cut, anyone who wants can read it, but it's going to be kinda painful.

My brother died, last year, a year ago June 2nd. It's taken me almost a year, just to be able to type that one sentence. I can -say- it...I just can't type it. It's like my fingers freeze, like writing it...makes it finally real. Anyway, the rest is behind...come read if you want, or don't...I just -need- to get it down.

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May 23rd, 2006

They Lie!! @ 01:01 am

Current Mood: amused amused
Current Music: Evil music...I swear!!

Ganked from Ilyena_Sylph...

How evil are you?

May 19th, 2006

(no subject) @ 12:51 pm

Current Mood: artistic artistic
Current Music: Dresden Dolls and the Tank Girl soundtrack, mixed

Another story...this one was a random ramble at 3 in the morning, cause an image came up and smacked me in the back of the head. They do that. Anyway, here goes.

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Scenes from behind the white walls...